I’m in the middle of many conversations about race.

There’s some S(*&t going down at Zondervan over one of their bible study guides that is pretty insensitive and racist towards AsiAms.

My friend has just left a Christian Counseling grad school where she felt completely unaccepted as a person of color, not only by her classmates, but also by the administration. (sad) <sigh>

There’s a great class at SU that I took last summer that is being re-taught this Fall by a professor who I’ve heard isn’t helping students learn about the issues presented on race.

My church is hosting  a Faith and Race conversation this month and ending with a little conference next Saturday, and i am coming to a harsh reality that it is easier to talk about race relations within our own ethnic group than it is with others present.

all that to say… there’s a lot. It is now a moot point whether it is good or bad, IT IS ONLY IMPORTANT THAT IT IS MOVEMENT. A chance at an important conversation. A time for us to be honest with each other and unravel the smelly onion. I am learning to EMBRACE THE STRUGGLE… and to give you a chance to see my heart broken so that I too can be broken by you. verstehen

makes me a little dreamy. And when I listen to this song – my day is almost complete …

You know that look – when you get out of the shower, and your hair is fresh and clean? Or when you get out of the ocean and that salty wet hair molds into this amazing ‘do that won’t stop. That’s what I’m talking about! (Is this a California thing?)

I’ve been in-between hair dressers for about a year now. I had the worst hair cut for about 4 months, and got it fixed – but the fix cost me about one pair of Gap blue jeans. Now I’m letting my hair grow out again, and I’m hoping that I can get a decent trim that won’t cost me a ton of money. One problem: I have that straight, very thick “Asian” hair. It’s a pain, and if you don’t cut it right, it can be a bad situation and say bad things about yourself (similar to a mullet).

So I got thinking about what it takes to look your best – or what it communicates about you to other people. I listened to an episode of This American Life (on podcast) awhile ago, and there was a story about this couple who were in just the beginnings of their relationship (the puppy dog stage). She wore these horrendous pants that she thought made her look hot. But every time this guy would see her, he would wonder why she was wearing those ugly pants. She would plan on wearing the pants whenever she’d see him, and she even wore them on her first date.

Now I have a theory about these pants. Similar to the way I think my wet hair makes me look cuter, more tousled, more laid back, more whatever – maybe even attractive – these pants made her feel confident in a way that might have actually attracted her future husband. Last week I went to the mall, in search of – what might be my “magic” pants. I didn’t know then that was what I was looking for, but I think that’s what I was in search of. In fact, I think that’s what girls do when we go to the mall, we don’t just look for that one item, but we search for the ensemble, the whole piece that makes you feel za-za-zing. Its that confidence that you feel when you’ve got those magical clothes, hair, shoes on that we are looking for. It’s that feeling that communicates to who you are with that you are special, because you feel special.

This elusive feeling, of course, can take on a materialism that women are often accused of. So maybe what we’re really trying to attain, when we are subdued by “cute” new outfits is really the feeling of confidence that can seem so unattainable. I’m in my later twenties, and now more than ever, I feel more insecure about myself. It’s like junior high part deux. All I can do from falling apart and liking myself less is maybe give myself or my wardrobe a make-over. Maybe this is why Sephora has such a hold on me. And sadly, it’s not like I have a budget to be doing this often.

I’m not a big fan of using Christian language to express my feelings, but I as I continue to meditate about how God thinks about me (at the suggestion of my therapist) I sort of liken how I imagine how he feels about me into this elusive confidence that it builds. I mean, what is it to really KNOW that you are LOVED. I think I would act a little bit differently. My life would be focused differently. I don’t know, but I think there’s something to this feeling that you get when you think you look sassy (notice how this is emphasized on your own perception) and the knowing that you are LOVABLE. I think the common denominator is confidence. Both these gives off an aura of confidence. And for someone like me, that’s as good as gold.

Nods to this nonprofit: http://www.dressforsuccess.org/

what is it to have joy?

what’s it look like?

I’m on the search for what this is, and what its implications are. Ideas? Thoughts? Anyone? Bueller?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/bingramos/ / CC BY 2.0

I’ve been very distracted lately. I haven’t been able to focus on one thing for too long. This quite possibly be because I am juggling too much at the same time, but more than anything I have found myself running away from things. I have been seeking out distractions so that I don’t have to think too deeply upon the recent events in my life. How ominous!

I will be resolving to write more in this blog. If anything, I’d like to just  build a discipline of reflection and of sharing and looking at the blessings in life. It’s another sleepless night in Seattle as the heat wave continues and it stays at a balmy 80 degrees in the evening. These are the summer nights when dreams are born and things that weren’t possible become a reality. So – cheers to some good dreams tonight!

I am unsettled tonight. I came home from a long day in Vancouver to testify in my brother’s court case in regards to visitation rights of his four children, and it nearly took the life out of me. I am tired – but sleep will not come.

I think often about faith during these times. All I know to be true about God – a lover of justice, giver of peace, sustainer of my soul… come into question with this schism in our family.

I have referred to this tumultuous time on this blog and in conversations with my close friends – this turmoil that was once my brother’s to bear, is now our entire family’s. This has inhabited my emotions and my mind for a very long time. Evidence came to pass today that this was a war. My brother, mother and my mother’s close friend, my close friend, and me on one side vs. the EX, her sister, her biological father, her step-father, and three boys whom I recognized. Glances shot like daggers towards me as I walked into the waiting area for testimony. In situations like these, I just said “hello, long time no see” in my broken chinese. I walked over to the boys and said, “I know you, don’t I? It’s good to see you again. I hope you are well.” When my Ex-sister-in-law and her sister came out I dolled out my smile, and waved.  Yes, I waved. They thought I was crazy – but I really needed to cut the tension- I needed to believe that God can heal this. I had not seen them in over two years. They will always be a part of my life because there are four gorgeous children involved. No smile was returned. No niceties exchanged. Heckling was exchanged just two days ago, my young teenage niece involved, and my awesome sister. Threats towards my mother were given previous to this, terrible things to break a mother’s heart, while holding her grandchild whom she has never met. There will be no reconciliation.   My family – we are at war.

So the question here – the question is DOUBT. Can God be present in both situations? Can he be with the foe – that so entangle and enrage and provoke people with whom they’ve created a family? Can God – approve antagonizing a 14-year old girl with heckling outside a courtroom? Can God – approve malice in one’s heart? Can God approve dangerous gazes of death? Can God hear their prayers? Is this classified as Godly anger? How long will it take for this to end? I have many more “how” questions… but no answers.

We pray to the same God they say they pray to. We ask for mercy, for justice, for peace. We ask for visitation rights of the children that most of our family has not seen, we ask for fair distribution of assets. We ask for the heckling to stop, the mass email hysteria to stop, we ask for the war to end. We ask for God to heal. We ask for… God to bless them… (I’m working on this, but my brother, John Liu, he’s there.)Is this what they ask for? I have a hard time seeing this. Especially after today. Do they want peace, reconciliation, justice, mercy? This does not seem to be.

Compassion – compassion – compassion. This is the lesson I am learning from my brother. We need not slander, the truth shall come to light, BE HONEST… these are his calm words to me as I sit anxiously waiting for my turn to testify to what a FANTASTIC father figure he was to me when my father was absent. In many ways John has been the rock of our family, but most notably for me – he has been my stand-in dad. These lessons I learn from him  today, and throughout this entire process has been of mercy. There is much to say on this subject – all the ways in which he has showed up for me, especially when I was being a bratty teenager, and especially in the moments when I was VERY much unlovable. My brother loved me. When I think of the kind of father he is to his children I see this same person. Filled with grace – love – and attention. He reasons with them, he listens to them, he exhibits his love for them. We are only a few days away from Father’s Day and it saddens me that he still is unable to see his children on a regular basis. It has been 18 months, and another baby has been born. It is… simply put… SAD.

So -does God hear our prayers? Does God hear me? Does God hear my mother’s? Does God hear John’s? Does God hear Ruth’s, Lois’s, Mark’s – all of my in-laws, my 8 other neices and nephews who are praying to see their extended familiy? Does God hear our friends, our pastors? Does God hear the ex-SIL and her family’s? Does God hear her friends, and young followers? Does God hear her step-father, her father, her mother, her sister? Does God hear these conflicting prayers?

He does.

I don’t know how – but he’s God, and he can LOVE all of us. He can do it. And I want to do it too – but we’re at war. And no matter how much I smile and try to make nice, there is nothing to be done. The schism is like a tear of cloth, that can not be mended. I am in mourning for this loss – I never stopped. And it tears us apart. But God LOVES ALL OF US.

Amazing.

My good friend Jason offers this C.S. Lewis poem/prayer to me:

He whom I bow to only knows to whom I bow
When I attempt the ineffable Name, murmuring Thou,
And dream of Pheidian fancies and embrace in heart
Symbols (I know) which cannot be the thing Thou art.
Thus always, taken at their word, all prayers blaspheme
Worshiping with frail images a folk-lore dream,
And all men in their praying, self-deceived, address
The coinage of their own unquiet thoughts, unless
Thou in magnetic mercy to Thyself divert
Our arrows, aimed unskillfully, beyond desert;
And all men are idolaters, crying unheard
To a deaf idol, if Thou take them at their word.

Take not, O Lord, our literal sense. Lord, in thy great
Unbroken speech our limping metaphor translate.

Translate what is at our heart Lord. Know us. Hear us. LOVE us in our evil and our good. Please do not leave us here unfinished. Give us hope. Amen.

I know I haven’t been able write much lately – mostly it’s because I’m in the depths of my own reflection and it’s hard to write when I’m in that place. I can hardly do anything other than fall into exhaustion.  I’ve been trying to distract myself by surrounding myself with funny people on twitter and watching clips of Dimitri Martin. So I thought I’d start sharing some of those small glimpses of sunshine – or as they say in Seattle, a “sunbreak”.

So here’s my first: Glee – it’s coming to Fox, who, btw, is going to dominate the fall season because NBC can’t seem to hold onto some great shows like Lipstick Jungle and Kings (small rant). Here it is – for your viewing pleasure:

GLEE! enjoy

Talked with a friend tonight about Lent – and what this season has been teaching her.  She was talking, in brief, about how she’s given up listening to that obligatory voice in her head that tells her to do this or that.

I got to thinking about what I’ve given up – and essentially I am giving up things like overeating and having too much of a good thing, that kind of stuff – nothing major. And I wonder, about this concept of giving up something that’s not food or a passtime like TV, but rather giving up a state of mind like my friend was describing.  I suppose we don’t talk about that kind of “giving up” during the lenten season because its a harder one to do – and maybe it actually takes longer than 40 days to change a habit of something like self-hatred or cynecism.  Perhaps those things take longer to give up.  But the actual act of reflecting upon that – and staying conscious to the idea that I, today, want to give up that cynecism seems like a good first step.  

So, even as I write this, and I commit to myself that I’d like to start giving up this idea that something is wrong, I falter.  I am pained at the moment with my living situation, and worried about something that shouldn’t be an issue – but is.  And I wonder, how does God ask me to “lean on him” when I am freaking out?  The simple Christian mantra of, “God is in control” doesn’t seem to cut it.