I am unsettled tonight. I came home from a long day in Vancouver to testify in my brother’s court case in regards to visitation rights of his four children, and it nearly took the life out of me. I am tired – but sleep will not come.
I think often about faith during these times. All I know to be true about God – a lover of justice, giver of peace, sustainer of my soul… come into question with this schism in our family.
I have referred to this tumultuous time on this blog and in conversations with my close friends – this turmoil that was once my brother’s to bear, is now our entire family’s. This has inhabited my emotions and my mind for a very long time. Evidence came to pass today that this was a war. My brother, mother and my mother’s close friend, my close friend, and me on one side vs. the EX, her sister, her biological father, her step-father, and three boys whom I recognized. Glances shot like daggers towards me as I walked into the waiting area for testimony. In situations like these, I just said “hello, long time no see” in my broken chinese. I walked over to the boys and said, “I know you, don’t I? It’s good to see you again. I hope you are well.” When my Ex-sister-in-law and her sister came out I dolled out my smile, and waved. Yes, I waved. They thought I was crazy – but I really needed to cut the tension- I needed to believe that God can heal this. I had not seen them in over two years. They will always be a part of my life because there are four gorgeous children involved. No smile was returned. No niceties exchanged. Heckling was exchanged just two days ago, my young teenage niece involved, and my awesome sister. Threats towards my mother were given previous to this, terrible things to break a mother’s heart, while holding her grandchild whom she has never met. There will be no reconciliation. My family – we are at war.
So the question here – the question is DOUBT. Can God be present in both situations? Can he be with the foe – that so entangle and enrage and provoke people with whom they’ve created a family? Can God – approve antagonizing a 14-year old girl with heckling outside a courtroom? Can God – approve malice in one’s heart? Can God approve dangerous gazes of death? Can God hear their prayers? Is this classified as Godly anger? How long will it take for this to end? I have many more “how” questions… but no answers.
We pray to the same God they say they pray to. We ask for mercy, for justice, for peace. We ask for visitation rights of the children that most of our family has not seen, we ask for fair distribution of assets. We ask for the heckling to stop, the mass email hysteria to stop, we ask for the war to end. We ask for God to heal. We ask for… God to bless them… (I’m working on this, but my brother, John Liu, he’s there.)Is this what they ask for? I have a hard time seeing this. Especially after today. Do they want peace, reconciliation, justice, mercy? This does not seem to be.
Compassion – compassion – compassion. This is the lesson I am learning from my brother. We need not slander, the truth shall come to light, BE HONEST… these are his calm words to me as I sit anxiously waiting for my turn to testify to what a FANTASTIC father figure he was to me when my father was absent. In many ways John has been the rock of our family, but most notably for me – he has been my stand-in dad. These lessons I learn from him today, and throughout this entire process has been of mercy. There is much to say on this subject – all the ways in which he has showed up for me, especially when I was being a bratty teenager, and especially in the moments when I was VERY much unlovable. My brother loved me. When I think of the kind of father he is to his children I see this same person. Filled with grace – love – and attention. He reasons with them, he listens to them, he exhibits his love for them. We are only a few days away from Father’s Day and it saddens me that he still is unable to see his children on a regular basis. It has been 18 months, and another baby has been born. It is… simply put… SAD.
So -does God hear our prayers? Does God hear me? Does God hear my mother’s? Does God hear John’s? Does God hear Ruth’s, Lois’s, Mark’s – all of my in-laws, my 8 other neices and nephews who are praying to see their extended familiy? Does God hear our friends, our pastors? Does God hear the ex-SIL and her family’s? Does God hear her friends, and young followers? Does God hear her step-father, her father, her mother, her sister? Does God hear these conflicting prayers?
He does.
I don’t know how – but he’s God, and he can LOVE all of us. He can do it. And I want to do it too – but we’re at war. And no matter how much I smile and try to make nice, there is nothing to be done. The schism is like a tear of cloth, that can not be mended. I am in mourning for this loss – I never stopped. And it tears us apart. But God LOVES ALL OF US.
Amazing.
My good friend Jason offers this C.S. Lewis poem/prayer to me:
He whom I bow to only knows to whom I bow
When I attempt the ineffable Name, murmuring Thou,
And dream of Pheidian fancies and embrace in heart
Symbols (I know) which cannot be the thing Thou art.
Thus always, taken at their word, all prayers blaspheme
Worshiping with frail images a folk-lore dream,
And all men in their praying, self-deceived, address
The coinage of their own unquiet thoughts, unless
Thou in magnetic mercy to Thyself divert
Our arrows, aimed unskillfully, beyond desert;
And all men are idolaters, crying unheard
To a deaf idol, if Thou take them at their word.
Take not, O Lord, our literal sense. Lord, in thy great
Unbroken speech our limping metaphor translate.
Translate what is at our heart Lord. Know us. Hear us. LOVE us in our evil and our good. Please do not leave us here unfinished. Give us hope. Amen.
1 Comment
June 27, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Hi Deanne—
A member of our ministry team that went to Vancouver saw your name on the net and told me about your site. I either forgot or never knew John had a sister.
My wife Carole and I tried to help John and Priscilla with their relationship several years ago.
When John invited our team to Vancouver to minister to others as we had to them, the Lord through the gifts of the Holy Spirit revealed much of what had been going on in John’s life and among many on the Church Staff. While we were blessed to serve many with seminars and extensive
prayer for freedom and healing, we were saddened by the actions of Priscilla and her family.
I am comforted to know John has a sister who is able and willing to stand with him as he recovers and moves forward with his life.
May the Lord refresh you and your family in the days ahead.
Blessings and love—
Larry