Many new conversations have been stirring up in my relationships lately – and most of them due to the precarious situation I find myself in these days. Conversations revolving around goals, future plans, trying not to be a chump, figuring out vocation, knowing my worth. Saturday I needed to get away from Seattle – so Tina and I took the ferry to Bainbridge Island and just explored the place. The setting was the backdrop of some of the best conversations I would have this summer. An inward conversation being brought forth to the present. It was great following a very busy and emotional mid-summer.
Most of July was busy with anticipation of a business conference that I was planning in Orlando, the the sudden departure of my brother’s family from Washington to Hawaii, and a rush to finish my graduate application into a program at Seattle University.
Much happens when I’m busy – but the crash when the busyness ends is what I dread the most. As planned, the week previous to the conference in Orlando made me a little bit uneasy, I had to stuff all of my emotions downward until I could adequately deal with them. I had to figure out what to do about the catering, the A/V, the room placement, the table settings, the center pieces, when things were going to get delivered, how to fulfill on last minute requests. There was a lot of work – I just couldn’t handle being unfocused right then. Those sad feelings were going to have to wait and get pushed, and wait some more.
So afterwards, as I knew this would happen, I came back from Orlando, sat down at therapy on Tuesday and burst. I could hardly speak. Overwhelming sadness wreaked from my chair. I contemplated going back on anti-depressants. I was feeling too much at one time. It was like that Nationwide commercial tag line, “life comes at you fast”. Luckily I had 2 days to iron out my life before heading back into work. So I started revisiting.
All of a sudden I became like John Cusack in High Fidelity. Unlike John Cusack’s character, I wasn’t revisiting old flames, rather I was revisiting old friendships/mentors, old books, paths that I had taken – in hopes to reassess what went wrong, right, and really how I got to this place. I went back to the nonfiction books I had read, in particular one by Parker Palmer called Let Your Life Speak during my semester in San Francisco through Westmont’s Urban Program. I remember his candor in talking about depression when he was in the midst of figuring out what his life’s purpose was supposed to be. He was so honest – and 5 years ago I honestly thought he was kind of a bummer. But now, I know EXACTLY what he means. I’ll probably re-read the book this month in hopes that it will bring me some clarity about myself and lead me to some quiet time about what I’m committed to.
Anyway – I said earlier that I was finding myself in a precarious situation. With the end of July and all those previous events and happenings fading away I suddenly found myself bound to nothing. The ties that bound me to Seattle were being snipped away and now I’m wondering what God is trying to teach me. With the departure of my family to Hawaii it was time for me to “own” living in Seattle and making this town my own, OR figure out where I am supposed to be next. Sudden thoughts of what I’m doing with my life started to spring upon me. Heavy thoughts – thoughts that made me think my life was small, that being an Executive Assistant at a company that works with nonprofits was useless. Anxiety abounded in possibilities that I used to think were amazing. Suddenly I was alone. I felt like I had all this love inside of me, this unrequited love for life – for myself, for those closest to me, that I could not accept, exude, get caught up, and grab that joy and satisfaction.
I occurred to me, that I like bonds, stability, responsibility, but reaching and creating those things were another story. Where those things once occurred without any energy suddenly needed so much more tending. I now had to choose if this was my path – rather than just let it happen. (I can’t wait to be in my 30’s- hopefully these feelings will disappear then)
Anyway – I’m going to say that this Fall and Winter will be an exercise in claiming my unrequited love – more specifically my love for this life God has given me. I hope I won’t disappoint – that I’ll come through like the Men’s Volleyball team at the Olympics. Wish me luck!
