These past few weeks I’ve been getting paid a few visits by the Grim Reaper. Well, not me personally, but many people in my life have been struggling through recent deaths of their loved ones. Grandparents, parents, friends, etc – it has been a heavy summer so far.
As I sit with these folks, realizing their grief, I am in close close understanding of my own pain. After I lost my father at 16 I think I just turned off mourning. I accepted my life for what it was, and I rolled with the punches, and I think finally, seeing my friends go through their mourning, I can actually mourn for myself.
Today, I sat in my car on the phone with my sister, yelling, screaming, crying – trying to get her to understand that I had had enough. I’m sad. I just wanted to hear it from her – for her to understand the circumstance I was in (granted she couldn’t really understand cuz I was crying too much) but for her, for someone in my family to finally understand my grief – to understand me. That’s all I EVER wanted. I needed someone (ok, the right people) to fully understand and “get me”. To say, “I’m sorry. This sucks. This wasn’t what God intended for your life.” I just needed to hear some affirmation that I am just as crazy as the next person.
I never really learned how to mourn. I would say, that I learned, rather, to survive. I’m a survivor. So now, I’m mourning – and I am a mess! 27 years of cramped up emotions, coming out like a waterfall from my eyes. I have a hard time keeping it together lately. I’m in mourning. I’m wearing an invisible black cloak to commemorate. (I would wear more black, but its summer, and I like dresses)
So, I watched this video that my friend Darwin had showed me on Game 3 of the Celtics vs. the Lakers. It’s deep. And I hope one day, I can be like this little bird Kiwi. Work hard to make my dreams come true… and give my life to my joy – to know that I gave all that I could to make my dreams happen to know that in the end – there was joy. (Now if I could only figure out what my dreams are… I’m working on it!)
oh tears.. this video gets me every time.
