Visits from the Grim

These past few weeks I’ve been getting paid a few visits by the Grim Reaper.  Well, not me personally, but many people in my life have been struggling through recent deaths of their loved ones.  Grandparents, parents, friends, etc - it has been a heavy summer so far.  

As I sit with these folks, realizing their grief, I am in close close understanding of my own pain.  After I lost my father at 16 I think I just turned off mourning.  I accepted my life for what it was, and I rolled with the punches, and I think finally, seeing my friends go through their mourning, I can actually mourn for myself. 

Paralyzed

I was watching the Today Show this morning (it was on in the background as I was getting ready for work) and there was a segment about health.  I perked up when I heard this sentence from one of the expert contributors, “women silence themselves”.  

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve been silenced.  It was as if my mouth was moving and nothing was coming out.  I felt like Ariel in A Little Mermaid when she’s trying to talk to prince Erik with no voice and she was motioning with her hands that she was the one singing, that she was the one he was looking for… okay, I might have only felt like that a little.  

For your convenience I’ve numbered the recent silence-ings.  

1. hosting a church meeting at my house when I made a reference to the movie Dumb and Dumber by saying, “Aspen, California?” It was one of those moments, where if you don’t know the reference, people were probably thinking you failed your geography class in the 8th grade.  Lameness factor for all parties: 7

What the blog?

When I started to write this blog I wasn’t sure what I was doing. I wanted to release, explore, understand. I wanted to understand myself, the world, politics, what it means to be asian, american, and a woman, I had high hopes.  But as I sit here, finally, after a few weeks of silence, I’ve finally come to terms with just writing - and posting.  Like most things, I need to find things that motivate me.  With this blog - my hopes and dreams for it started to weigh down my writing.  

Lessons I learned in English Class

A phrase I remembered from a poem I read in high school has been coming up a lot for me these days.

Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn’d.

~ William Congreve, in The mourning bride, 1697:

New Music Monday

Last Monday I got an awesome email from Dave Barnes’s newsletter - which, as always is HILARIOUS.

He’s got a new CD out, and it’s called Me and You and the World. I blogged about him last year when me and my family inadvertently went to a Young Life event that had Dave in it. It was weird - but good. Since that time, Dave has signed with a label - not really signing his soul to the devil, but mainly getting more publicity in and around him great music and lyrics- performed on John Mayer’s Mayercraft (a cruise for music lovers) and gone on tour with another great artist Matt Wertz. In addition to all that, his social responsibility for kids in Africa and for poverty is a mainstay on his tour. His non-prof the Mocha Club is an avenue that people can participate in to make a difference in Africa.

Check out his music. He reminds me of the old John Mayer- back in the day when he would tour coffee shops and wear PJs to his concerts.

Commitments

Lately, I’ve been involved in the planning of not one, not two, but THREE different conferences coming up in the next 4 months.  It’s been a bit hectic, but I’m really glad to do these organizational things because of my background in event planning back in San Francisco.  I love seeing something come to completion when after having worked so hard on it.  It’s nice to be able to relax after an event and even during it, seeing how much people are enjoying themselves, relating to one another, and having given them an opportunity to meet new people or network.  I love the community aspect of it.  

Yesterday we had our monthly fellowship meeting for young adults at our church.  The ministry itself is called “Life Together” but I like to call it “23+ (-)offspring” due to the cheesiness that the current ministry name conjures up.  When discussing the full weekend retreat that we’re planning for the month of June, one member of our committee was worried that people would not want to commit themselves to a whole weekend trip - that people our age are afraid of commitment.  And I sincerely answered her, “I’m not afraid of commitment…”  She laughed, but in all honesty, I was being completely authentic.  I don’t think I’m much of a commitment phobe, but this is life.  This is every day activity in which I commit myself to like going to the gym, spending some time in prayer, doing ministries… 

Then I got to thinking I’m overcommitted.  This last week I ended one of my favorite volunteer jobs at church: greeting.  Every week at church I’m scheduled to teach Sunday School for either the 2-5th grade kids, or either teach or participate with the newly founded Youth Group.  So, sadly, I had to stop making our name-tags at church, greeting new people, seeing my friends during my service so I could be with kids. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the kids at my church - they’re wonderful, but I also love greeting too.  Youth group leaders meet once a week every week except the first Monday of the month and have an activity once a month with the kids, corresponding with church leadership and parent approval.  Then there’s the matter of this other ministry, the “23+ (-) offspring” commonly known as the young adult fellowship at many churches.  All these ministries, all this commitment, all examples of how not afraid of commitment I really am - or am I just filling the space for what I really should be doing with my time and with my life?

This morning i woke up to anxiety.  I did my normal routine of checking my email and I got a Facebook notice that an old friend from college wanted to add me as their friend!  So exciting.  I generally love seeing how people are doing, and where they are and what they’re doing with their one and only life that God’s given them.  So, with bated breath I clicked on the link to see that my friend whom I hadn’t talked to since college had since gotten married, and is pregnant! Wonderful, right? Well, in the middle of the glad tidings, I see that many of our mutual friends in college had been commenting on her page and as I looked and searched around (alright, I was stalking) I found out another friend was pregnant.  In the middle of this was glad tidings being shared not only by my new old friend that added me on Facebook that day, but many others including me of one of my dearest friends who had just had her first baby a couple weeks ago.  Beautiful, exciting life, right?  Why don’t I feel great then?

I’ve felt like life has passed me by.  I missed something.  Somewhere along the way, I didn’t do something right, or chance had given me different cards and thus I have not yet found the family that I long to have so much.  What happened?  I don’t know, but today I found myself in the middle of my very committed life, with no committed relationship.  And oh, I do hate that feeling - the feeling that I’m left wanting. I’ve made a mistake - I’ve made HUGE mistakes, but never on a day like this have I ever felt that the weight of all my human mistakes would discourage my joy for my friends.  

Perhaps my friends would not count their new families as successes, maybe their measure of success is in their careers, in the quality of their relationships, in their monetary assets, I don’t know… but I know that for me, in my life - my success would be a healthy family, something I never had and a marriage that I can put my faith in.  That’s it, but it’s so much for someone as damaged as me to dream up.  This feat could be bigger than climbing Mt. Everest.  This may be a commitment that is too scary to take up, or too impossible for me.  

Until that day comes, I hold to what I’m committed to - and that’s community, laughter and reconciliation.  Seriously.  Reconciliation.  Despite my previous entry, I want that most for myself, for my family, and for the world.  Peace - a community dream.  

Payback and Karma

I don’t know if I believe in karma, but it seems like things usually end up happening in a cyclical manner. Although I’ve never experienced karma myself - or maybe I have, I just haven’t been very attune to it - I think its a real part of our lives. At least I hope it is.

The golden rule, for example, sounds like a great idea. Treat others the way you would want to be treated. So, since I dislike being teased about my pop culture obsessions, I won’t tease other people about theirs or any other obsession/hobby either, right? Isn’t that how it goes? Take for example my dogs. I love them, they’re a pain in the ass, but I love them all the same. They do naughty things all the time. But I hate it when people complain about them in a jokingly manner. I get that they’re annoying and I would never say anything about someone’s kids so I hope and expect people to respect me and my dogs. Is that too much to ask? It doesn’t seem to work out this way though. Usually my interpretation of what is good and right and how I would like to be treated isn’t necessarily the same way other people want to be treated. We’ve got our own interpretations of how we want to be treated - so I guess its a matter of knowing your friends and social etiquette enough to treat them appropriately.

Fetch

If you’ve ever met my dog Guinness - you know all about his slimey ball and his hedgehog. He won’t stop making me play fetch with him, in fact last night he dropped his gross hedgehog on my head. I saw this on my favorite NPR program’s blog: The Bryant Park Project. It’s the solution to all my “fetch” problems.

If you’re like me, you’ll get a good laugh out of this too.

And, this is Guinness winking at you.  He’s a bit of a james bond type.

Jabba-wha??!!

Okay - I have to confess that I am addicted to entertainment based reality shows - this season of American Idol, and the breakaway hit America’s Best Dance Crew. There are two groups on that show that I follow and vote for. The Jabbawockeez and Kaba Modern. The awesomeness that accompanies these two groups not only revolve around their mad dance and performance skillz, but also in the diversity of the groups. The two groups together mostly consist of Asian-Americans and I am so proud of that! Last night’s theme was Michael Jackson’s Thriller album - and I have to say - the Jabbawockeez put it down! Their dance and break skillz are amazing - their performance to the crowd and to the art of mimi-ing in a sense is so fresh.  I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

Here’s their video…. P.Y.T (These boys are hot!)

The land of Yesterfar

Thinking a lot, as usual, of the days when I was young - especially high school lately. Possibly because I’ve recently renewed my interest in musicals and theater.

At Prospect High School in Saratoga, CA (go panthers!) - we were given tickets for the quarterly musical runs that would come through downtown San Jose for only $16. That’s $4 per show and in that time I saw 8 musicals before I had to move away to Los Angeles. I can remember how thrilling it was to be in a beautiful theater, listening to very beautiful music that told a story and feeling moved and wanting to romance the ordinary.

Life seemed simpler - but I remember thinking how not simple it was. My Dad was dying of pancreatic cancer and my days were filled with anticipation for death and hope for social prosperity. It was a busy life to be a teenager. But at least I didn’t have to pay bills, worry about my future, hope that my car doesn’t break down, wonder if the church I’m going to is the right place for me, think about changing careers, procrastinate in my grad applications, work out my fat butt (cuz i was skinny then) and continuously pray for my mother’s health and my brother’s life to be restored.

Oh… musicals - how they can transport you to a different time, like the land of OZ in Wicked, and an ocean cruise in the 30’s like in Crazy for you - but mostly, its amazing that music and a fictitious story can help you to remember the better days in the land of your very own Yesterfar…

Musicals I want to see:

Jersey Boys, Avenue Q, Shrek the musical, 7 Brides for 7 Brothers (holla at the names!), How to succeed in business without really trying, Les mis, Mama Mia